It’s a tough thing to consider: that you might not be a good person. But that’s the position I’ve been in for some weeks now. You see, there are a lot of very articulate people in my twitter feed, and many of them are talking about rape.
I find myself extremely, embarrassingly, overwhelmingly uncomfortable with it all. Each time I read a beautifully expressed column in a broadsheet written by a woman with real insight on the subject of rape and misogyny, I’m left questioning myself. I’m left wondering if I am exactly the kind of man they’re talking about, and I worry that I don’t even know it. The most serious concern is this: if I am the kind of unknowing misogynist these women are trying to address, what do I do about it? I’m going to try to explain. On the way, we’re going to touch on some very real shit.
There’s a very clear reason why the discussions about rape make me uncomfortable. I like to think I’m a reasonably modern, reasonably stable human. I suffered no sexual abuse, I grew up in a strong and supportive family, I developed no resentment for women during my adolescence. But there is often violence in my fantasies – sexual violence. There has been for just about as long as I can remember, certainly since before puberty. And for as long as I can remember, the porn and literature I enjoy most is degrading, rough and dark. Since the discussion about rape (which is of course a small part of a larger discussion about gender equality) has recently been brought into the light had the dust and cobwebs well and truly blown away, it’s forced me to examine my own attitudes.
But let’s not go crazy here; I don’t believe I’m a rapist in the making – nor do I believe I’m misogynistic. But perhaps that’s because misogyny can now disguise itself, slip under the radar in unexpected ways, given new clothes and a new language to position it as something more noble than it really is. I’m talking specifically about male sexual dominance, in the BDSM sense.
I often struggle trying to reconcile my predisposition for sexual dominance with a suspicion that it might be misogyny repackaged. Or put another way, that my inclination for floggers and restraints and choking and roughness might be a sanitised and tolerable expression of my desire to commit sexual violence against women. If this is true, then I’m guilty and, more scarily, I’m getting away with it too. This is a fracturing possibility for me – but one I feel like I need to face, along with any other man who labels himself a ‘Dom’, whatever that really means.
The great lie of BDSM is that misogyny is acceptable if it’s sought out, and consensual. If a submissive woman seeks out a dominant man, and her consent is beyond question, then his actions surely come from a place of empathy and not of misogyny – so goes the lie. I have used this lie to justify to myself the way I’ve expressed myself sexually in the past. I have even argued for it, in a sense, in other writing on BDSM. It is a lie though, because if it looks like misogyny, swims like misogyny and quacks like misogyny, it’s misogyny – even when it’s dressed in fine drapery of empathy.
I’m well aware that many dominant men and their submissive partners will take issue with that. I’m also aware that I have now bundled rape, misogyny and BDSM together as though the terms are interchangeable. That’s for the sake of brevity: of course, the terms are not interchangeable, and I’ve cut some corners and made some abridgements simply to get to the core of the issue. The issue is something that’s not just close to my heart, but something that defines every aspect of my life in a way that’s far more tangible than it is for most people: by day I work for a company that’s working hard for female sexual empowerment, by night I run a company that offers products specifically designed to control and inflict pain on women. I am perhaps the UK’s single most perfect test case for misogynistic male attitudes towards female sexuality – so I need to be absolutely sure that I’m not part of a bigger problem.
So let’s be clear. Let’s get to the meat of what I want to talk about. Is a secret attraction to sexual violence acceptable if it’s expressed only with someone who has a secret attraction to be subjected to sexual violence? How can a reasonably intelligent man reconcile his desire to be sexually dominant with an equally powerful desire to be a good person? Moreover, is this attraction to sexual violence endemic, behavioural, innate, widespread, rare? Is it a symptom of a greater malady? Is it something that can be fixed? Is it something that even needs to be fixed? How can I so easily acknowledge that rape is abhorrent, and yet justify to myself that the things I do in my private life are fine simply because they are consented to? I no longer think “consent” is a strong enough answer to these questions.
The point is this: in all other regards, in every other facet of my life, I am a healthy man. Nonetheless, am I still part of the problem? Does my attraction to depredation make me a destructive force in the struggle for sexual equality? I can only assume that it does – and I further assume that it’s not exclusive to me. I’ve met many women who have such rape fantasies and are keen to explore them – are they also destructive in the struggle for gender equality?
Perhaps I can find some solace in the fact that my attraction to sexual violence is purely sexual, and is not manifested in any other component of my life. Perhaps I shouldn’t even allow myself that concession. One thing I’m very aware of is this: my initial reaction to discussions about rape and misogyny is not sympathy for the victims – it’s fear for myself, and how I’m seen. This blog post is a exemplifies that: how selfish am I that I would write a blog post worrying about my fear of my fantasies, rather than write one in support of victims?
This is probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever written and, as always, I haven’t even come close to doing it justice.
